“Oh great. Now I’m the daggone villain.” PHAEDRA GIRL STOP. (Photo courtesy of Bravo TV)
Background: Hey. In the age of memes and endless think pieces, my own included, we are easily inundated with “self care” shit. We read all these posts about how to protect the energy around us, not being afraid of cutting people out of our lives, treat ourselves like royalty, etc., BUT no one ever talks about this one key piece:
Make sure you’re not the trash in the situation.
See, it’s all about frames. For most of us, we easily view ourselves as protagonists in our own movie. Every day, we are tuned into how we feel, how things impact us-everything is happening to and for us.
However, there’s a big ass world out here and billions of individual movies. Just like in cinema, some movies are good (Goodfellas) and some movies suck (Love Jones-fight me lol). Some of us move through the world in a healthy place. Some of us are trash in some or most areas. What’s most important is to KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE GARBAGE SPECTRUM.
Phaedra was messy and toxic AF during this season of RHOA. However, you can tell she justified all of her vindictive behavior because she felt “wronged” by Kandi ages ago and acted from a place of victimhood. Had Phaedra obtained a sense of self awareness, she would have processed and resolved the issues with Kandi within herself and not let that anger control her. Unresolved pain makes us train wrecks, feeling entitled and bringing chaos to others with a feeling of vindication. It isn’t real.
There are few things as uncomfortable as an actively toxic person carrying on about the #selfcare they deserve and what types of relationships they don’t have time for. Or posting memes that make you want to scream “GIRL THIS DON’T APPLY TO YOU!” or “SIR, YOU ARE SINGLE BECAUSE YOU’RE A DICKHEAD. NOT BECAUSE WOMEN ARE UNGRATEFUL!” It’s awkward to watch, right? Right. Think about how Phaedra was trying to host this “Rejuvenation” ceremony or something because “all the girls had too much conflict”….and I’m watching tv thinking UMMMM WHAT ABOUT YOUR SHIT? 👀
Self care is a fantastic and mandatory notion but we have to make sure we are worthy of all this self-praise first.
Similar to the notion of lipstick on a pig. You can’t just dowse yourself in memes and notions and be healed. We can’t tell ourselves, they don’t like hanging out with me because they’re jealous of me. That’s the ego talking. What’s the real shit? Do you know it reveals itself?
Whatever toxic elements are there will remain. And you will go from relationship to relationship or circle to circle until you run out of options. At the end of the day, it’s still you alone-with yourself.
But okay, how does one do this?
The good: The answer is simple: self-awareness.
The bad: It is not easy to attain nor digest self-awareness (initially).
Silver lining: Here are some steps to get started. This process is personal and intimate. A judgment-free zone. I’m not suggesting anything I haven’t done myself.
1. Ask yourself if you’re toxic. And BE HONEST. How many levels conflict are you engaged in? How many people do you consider friends? Can you honestly be trusted?
2. Look through your phone. What are you talking about? What is your conversation? What are your patterns? Are you on or do you initiate shade threads?
3. Conduct a Johari window exercise on yourself.
4. Learn your triggers, boundaries and blind spots.
5. Talk with someone regarding your discoveries and ensure they’re objective and trustworthy.
6. Leave your ego at the door. (This probably should’ve been first).
7. Forgive yourself for what you learn during this process. You are not your mistakes.
8. Make peace with who you are and commit to core values that hold you accountable for being your best self.
9. Leave people that stifle your growth behind you. Not in a mean way, but emotionally. Place them in healthy and manageable boxes (we will discuss boxes later).
Conclusion: You have to know and accept yourself on the most intimate level in order to achieve self awareness and evolve to self-care. Otherwise it’s just rhetoric and God knows we get enough of that.
What are your thoughts? Did I nail it? Did I miss anything?