Month: February 2017

We Repeat What We Don’t Repair 

Beyoncé image credit Daily Herald Blog
We repeat what we don’t repair. 

We repeat what we don’t repair. 

We repeat what we don’t repair. 

We repeat what we don’t repair. 

We repeat what we don’t repair. 

From my heart to yours. 

I saw a meme with that phrase on it today and had to get off the treadmill to address it. In all honesty, I needed a treadmill break anyway. It inspired me very deeply. I want to share a few things with you (whoever it resonates with). 

THE POINT: We replay scenarios we haven’t healed from even as far back as childhood. They create a stain and emotionally stunt us. Forever. We replay and reenact them in our interpersonal relationships over and over and over and over. How awful this is for our partners and loved ones who see the good in us? What torture it is for someone who loves you to try and save you from “you” over and over?
How taxing it must be to repeat unhealthy habits learned from childhood influences like poor financial management, poor eating, conflict styles, emotional abuse or neglect? 

Wondering why we can’t reach our goals???…because we aren’t repairing the real sh*t inside. We aren’t dealing with the damaged children inside. Perhaps we are in self-preservation mode or a state of constant defensiveness? Perhaps we are harboring anger and resentment, expecting someone other than ourselves to satiate the pain. When we look externally for relief from personal pain, we soon realize no one can fix us, but us. Not a man/woman, not booze, not food, not money. We must repair ourselves. 
What if we examined our actions for what they were? Objectively. What if we had the balls to decide to divorce ourselves from perpetual victimhood and toxic cycles to just live our best lives and be better f*cking people? What if we forgave ourselves and our parents/relatives/teachers/friends for what they indirectly taught us and said “Today, I am different” and truly meant it?


Here’s an example of what I mean:

Are you constantly going from relationship to relationship and when things end, your rhetoric is always the same? “He’s crazy” or “she’s not good enough for me?”…chances are it’s you, bruh. It just is. Maybe this person is crazy because they can’t fill the void your parent left when they passed away or walked out of your life? Maybe you cannot see what baggage you bring to the table and the games you expect people to play with you? And not just for dating, but friendships too. Are we going from circle to circle? These things follow us. 

We repeat what we don’t repair. 

We repeat what we don’t repair. 

We repeat what we don’t repair. 

In the African-American community, specifically, I know that many things are prayed away but not necessarily dealt with head-on in the sense of seeking mental health treatment. What if we broke the cycle and sought out the many resources available

We pick up learned behaviors of gossip, passive aggressiveness and conflict avoidance from childhood as learned behaviors (in some cases), but what if we stopped ourselves like “why am I doing this?” “What is the desired result?” “What if I broke the cycle?” “How do I feel when I do this?” “How do I feel when it is done to me?”

These are all things to consider. Things I’ve considered many times. 

Personal Application: Personally, it took me years of therapy and intense self-reflection to free myself from a lot of the things I saw growing up. Many things to unlearn-when I say this I mean television shows and movies also. Not just family and grade school influences. I had to divorce myself from who I thought I was supposed to be, financially irresponsible behaviors, toxic relationships, commitment issues and much more. 

I’m sharing this to say IT IS possible. I’ve never been more free or more self-confident and it reflects in everything I do. 

The thing is, the ego makes us feel like we need to protect ourselves and put up walls and facades and such but when you are honestly able to own your sh*t and be vulnerable, life becomes even more enjoyable. No one can hold anything over your head if you own it. You don’t live in fear of exposure if you own who TF you are. 

You can be intentional in your words and actions and be taken seriously. You are free from anger and resentment if you truly understand what life is about beyond those personal frames and external influences. 

Conclusion:
You don’t have any regrets if you are intentional with your word and always doing your best. (Seriously,  I got this from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz). No one can successfully project things onto you if you know who you are. Surround yourself with people who will help you heal from these things and hold you accountable for your bullsh*t. The immediate sting of an uncomfortable conversation will do a lot of good in the long run. We cannot grow being surrounded by people who agree with us or feed into our personal demons-we must work to challenge that sh*t. We must. That is totally why I am so grateful for my village-eternally. 💜

Extra Credit: For the over achievers who are already free from their personal bullshit, I offer you this-consider exercising patience when dealing with a person who isn’t “there” yet. People were patient with you, so think about how much they will appreciate you for treating them with respect through their process. Guide them- and be honest, of course, but be sure not to condescend. I’m saying this from personal experience. In short, just because you want to say “what the f@ck is wrong with you!??!” doesn’t mean you should. 👍🏽

As always, I hope this resonates with whoever needs it. ✨✨✨
(Photo credit: Daily Herald Blog 2017)

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