I no longer attend every party I am invited to.
When I say this, I’m basically saying that I am fiercely protective of my energy. I do not give away my power. For a person to take your power, you have to allow them in. Similar to True Blood, the vampires cannot enter your house without an invitation and expressed permission from you.
So, how does one decide what to accept or decline?
See, we all have triggers and we often don’t notice that our triggers do the driving. Simply put, we don’t view the world as it is, we view it as WE SEE IT through our own biased frames that are formed by our experiences. So the focus of this post is to acknowledge the triggers within and then control them when interacting with others.
Here’s a personal example to better illustrate the point, throughout my 15 year career, I’d sometimes encounter colleagues that say negative things about me, discredit my work, or simply drain the energy from a room. I find myself in situations that could possibly bait me into a street fight an argument.
A few years ago, I would have been going back and forth on conference calls and sending unnecessary email dissertations addressing people about how they got me f*cked up may be inappropriately engaging me.
Today, I do not. In 2016, I know who I am. I do not seek validation from anyone outside of myself (and my mamma).
I am aware enough to understand that I had maintained a chip on my shoulder for years. I transitioned from being an intern to a full time employee. I was damaged and insecure from being treated like “the kid at the grown up table” for years and I would unnecessarily prove my competence and worth to anyone who challenged me. I’d be crying in bathrooms and getting all worked up and offended over things that truly meant nothing to the people who offended me. I was in an energy deficit every time. Didn’t even see it.
Today, I do not respond that way. Acknowledging my “demons” let me see the world and the interactions clearly and ultimately see the bait a mile away. I can read the tone of an email or comment and say “Okay, this person wants to party with you, Nikki? What say you?” And I simply do not engage. I can politely decline the invitation and move on with my energy intact.
Another example is in your dealings with friends and relatives. If you have a loved one who is constantly antagonizing you or saying/doing hurtful things, you cannot take it personally. We all have that draining *ss friend who is constantly complaining/beefing with someone in the circle. Don’t accept that energy in your space.
That is their business, their energy. You have to maintain the self-confidence and control to engage your energy on YOUR terms. Love energy vampires from a safe distance.
The most frequent party invitations come via (drumroll)….SOCIAL MEDIA…Oh LAWD…
There are many reckless invitations on social media. And we have to be bigger than those as well. These invitations come in the form of inflammatory posts from Facebook friends, attention-seeking behavior, passive-aggressive messages directed our way, people being extra in general, someone posting false news to incite panic-the list goes on and on.
Yes, you see these things, and yes they annoy you, but you can move past it without participating. The trick is that you must understand it for what it is.
A polarizing incident occurs (let’s say Brock Turner for the hell of it) and an otherwise decent friend, posts some sexist remarks on their page (the usual “she asked for it” kind of sh*t) and you see it.
You’re a woman, you understand rape. You are infuriated. It hits your core.
Acknowledge the trigger within and then process it. Refuse the urge to jump in and respond or post a status about the rape-apologist *sshole on your timeline. Channel that energy into rape victim support or educating your community on rape culture.
What if you accept the invitation?
Let’s unpack this a bit. Do you want people to know you’re smart? Maybe you just want people to know you have an opinion the matter? Jumping into an online argument simply because something offends you will not change the perspective of the offending force. Even if you make great points, it becomes a matter of saving face and no one will concede. You’ll end up losing moments of your life on a futile effort-just because you needed to tell him or her that “they’re wrong.”
At least you got it off your chest right? Wrong. Human beings want to be heard. That’s the true driver here. Everyone wants to be heard, not even half as many want to listen. Learn to satiate that urge by processing the trigger internally and hearing yourself. You do not need external validation. You will feel complete and your energy will be intact. (This is a constant struggle for me but I have yet to regret it).
Simply put, you can either increase your power by actively supporting the eradication of rape culture (outside of social media) OR you can decrease your power by arguing with someone online about their personal thoughts and feelings and all that.
Let’s take a look at Beyoncé (surprise lol). She barely comes to anything unless it meets her standards. As her career progressed, we saw her at even fewer events. However, we all know she NEVER cancels shows and fully engages when she performs. She’s selective with her energy. Treat your energy like this. Some parties are appropriate to attend and others aren’t. Use you sense of discernment to decide.
I hope you find this helpful and that it resonates in some way. It’s truly all about perspective. Lastly, I’ll leave you with this:
Photo cred: Daily Mail